Toning tables!

For Christmas last year my mother-in-law bought me some toning table gift certificates. Since they were about to expire I decided I'd better and try and use them.

In today I went for my first session. Mind you this was with me not knowing what a toning table was. Well turns out they are exactly that...tables you lay on and they do stuff to tone you. Absolutely lovely and very relaxing. Well most of the time. Has anyone ever known me not to find something to give a hiccup.

I'm laying on this table my feet up in these stirrups thinking my god its a little like the stirrups at the gyno. It moves your legs about a bit to work the inner thighs. Half way through they come over the change the stirrup position to where your feet are pointing slightly inwards. This is the convo that followed....

'Ok, is that comfortable', she says.

I say 'yes'.

'Now you need to flop your knees out to the side as wide as you can', says she.

'Ok' I say and relax the knees out to the side with my feet in these stirrups still.

She looks a little shocked and says 'Oh my that's wide...usually you can't do that until the 03rd or 4th session'.

Lots of little twitters and giggles can be heard from all the rest of the older on the other tables. Which btw I swear there wasn't one under the age of 55 besides me. And the one man in the group sounded like he nearly choked trying to control the laughter.

And me I sort of stutter a response of 'Its the yoga' and lie like a dog! Well that and you damn sure know that I kinda giggled to myself and blushed a bright burgundy over the whole thing.

Dont do it, save yourselves! ;)

Fair warning, do not give toddlers Tixie-lix (cough cold medicine in UK) in the middle of the day. Only give it to them before they go to bed. Find something else, anything else to give them, warm water with lemon, anything but Tixie-lix. I beg you do not go down that road!

My reasoning for this is something happens, your active but nice little child gets whisked away and in their place is left this pint size mean, hyperactive, eyes glowing red demon child. My god I didn't think I was going to make it through the rest of the afternoon/evening! The stuff has finally worn off and order has been restored and she is safely in her bed cuddling her toys.

Tomorrow morning she will need a full bath (didn't have any energy left tonight) for the dowsing in lotion she gave herself to the point that she looks like she hasn't had her hair washed for a year. The house looks like it has been hit by a full F5 tornado and the havoc of farm animals that were slaughtered today was amazing. Plus, I'm pretty sure beating the zoo animals into submission with a very large blue hippo flashlight will result in my receiving a letter from the local animal protection agency.

And how many times do I have to tell her father to make sure and hide his chocolate she will eat all of it and she has a knack for hiding it to where you can't see it even when she's in the same room. You find out after she walks up to you holds out her hands and says 'mimi, sticky need wipe please' you look up to find a chocolate covered face grinning at you! And where the hell did she get ahold of the pen from?

Anyway happy Wednesday and may your little demons sleep peacefully! ;)

Merry Fucking Christmas British Television!!

Ok I have a new soapbox to get on. I have lived in England for nigh on 3 years..minus a few months. I've spent a total of 4 Christmas's here between visiting and living here. And the same thing happens every year. For some reason to show christmas cheer the bloody tv show writers here start killing people off!!!

I mean one every now and again but every damn year on nearly every channel! Starting a few weeks before and lasting at least till the New Year people start hitting the ground at a rate unlike any I have ever seen.

Take tonight for instance, came home from dinner with the inlaws in a festive mood. I start the brownies baking for a wicked trifle I'm doing for the dinner tomorrow. We put the kiddies presents under the tree and flip on the tv for a bit relaxation. IT WAS NOT RELAXING!!!!

On Eastenders they have a little baby in the hospital sick and near to dying and this was after her shit parents wanted to have her adopted out because she has DownSyndrome. Complete bastards they are. Tomorrow night I believe that they are supposed to kill off Pauline Fowler somehow.

I always watch Casualty..between last night and tonight they have tried to kill off one paramedic, killed off one nurse and nearly had one little girl die because her mother intentionally shot her full of insulin. Thank you for a Christmas eve spent in tears! Yes I know turn the damn thing off, but for some reason I was like a zombie needing candy and having to know if they died or not. Bless you for at least only killing off one I guess.

Lets see oh yes the list goes on, sometime soon Charlie will be killed off in Coronation Street and the wicked slut of the street Cilla (sp?) is lying about being terminal. Lied straight out to get vengenace. Her poor kids think there mother is dying...all I can say if you freaking bitch!

And Emmerdale wouldnt want to be left out now would they...will they or will they not be killing off Tom King??? After of course they took another jab at making poor Chas the unhappiest person in the village.

What happened to fun, cheer, goodwill and humour? Maybe a nice shag under the office christmas tree? A nice drunken row with no dead bodies? I for one will skip watching anything tomorrow except DR. WHO. Can't miss that now can I, though I'm sure someone will die in that one as well. Oh and maybe will pull out some Christmas Dvd's.

As for the writers I have a rather large artificial tree that I would just love to shove up your ass for your warped sense of Christmas Cheer. Right now I can truthfully say I HOPE YOU ROT IN HELL!

Now I'm off to give Santa a nice whiskey, some biscuits and the longest kiss ever recorded! I'll find my own cheer to put back into this night!

Merry Christmas to all and to all have a rather kinky night!

Out of the mouths of the child and her dad!

The last few days have been incredibly intense with some quite funny moments playing out in our house. The following are fast becoming the source of many smiles.

The first happened when we had minx sitting on the toilet early one morning. The hubby (who wasn't wearing anything due to he grabbed the potty seat and I grabbed the kid) had leaned around the door to talk to me and hand me my robe.

Our sweet little 2 year old girl pointed at his bits and said "Daddy tail, daddy tail, daddy tail." I didn't get what she said to begin with until he told me what she was pointing at. Needless to say the hubby now says he wants to put some clothes on before he comes and helps with her. ;)

Another funny bit came last night after the hubby and I put the minx in bed. We were sitting on the couch talking about the said minx and how the potty training was going. The hubby all the sudden said "I'm a bit jealous, I wish I could pee in the living room when I wanted to."

Then today minx asked for some cheddars (little cheesy crackers) I said we didn't have any. She looked at me all put out and said "Oh for gods sake!" You'd think the world was endingd from not having any cheddars. ;)

Charity underhandedness!

You know every year I get loads of charity mail through the door. I am very good about it I try and pick a few and buy something from them. Or I at least try and send some sort of donation or drop a coin into the donation bucket every few weeks.

What happened this morning would have the hair on my back standing on end if I had any hair on my back. I do feel slightly growly as well (though that could be partially lack of coffee;) ), think they might have set off the inner wildcat.

Nice fat little packet arrives in the mail from certain charity (I'll be nice and not name them since they do good work even if they have pissed me off!)

I open it up, there is a set of 8 Christmas cards and a holiday calender in the envelope. I thought to myself and told the husband that was a bit odd. Considering this charity specifically sales cards and the calender every year why would they be sending free ones. As it is, my mother-in-law buys cards from them every year so I do know more about them.

I fish around in the cards and up pops an order form, it says "To buy the cards enclosed please send £5.95 to such and such address." It also lists other things you can buy.

WTF?????????????????? You send me cards in the mail and want me to pay for them even though I never ordered them? Well that is way beyond underhanded in my book. Then I read that it says you are under no obligation to buy the cards or return the cards. Yeah fucking right no obligation!

Bloody Hell, if was one card, or a pen or even those address labels you sometimes get then I wouldn't feel the need to have to pay for them. Any sensitive person would probably feel like they were obligated to pay for them. (Yes I know I am a loud mouth, opinionated, brash and basically naughty person, but I still am very sensitive and caring.) Its not like there wasn't a great effort made to make the cards. The paintings on the cards are usually done by people with no arms. They paint with their feet.

The hubby has said no we are not paying for them. That it was an underhanded way to try and get people to support them. Like I said if it was one card you think cool, thats nifty, might order some of those. A full pack of 8 cards and you feel like the Wicked Witch of the East not buying them. Yet I really don't want to have to pay for postage to send the cards back, but feel guilty for the thought of keeping them for free and using them.

AAARRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, maybe I can package them up in a plastic card sleeve and take them to be sold at the charity shop. Or sale them at the mother-in-laws shop and put the money in a charity bucket.

I feel we are right though, it was the wrong way for them to go about this. Even though they will probably get plenty of orders for having done it that way. So I will suck in the guilt. I will not send the cards back or pay for them. I think I'll stick to the idea of taking them to the mother-in-laws shop and having the money go on to charity.

To jump fully into the british way of saying things, bastards complete bastards for making me start my morning off like this.

I'm locked in!

Anyone who knows the joys of keeping children out of the places they should not be will know at times its a test of wills.

The other night our little girl got through a gate we thought was closed and fell down the stairs. Needless to say it scared a good ten years off our lives in that one moment. Thankfully children roll and bounce really well. She came away with a couple of bruises and a few days of "less activity." Mind you that has been another contest of wills.

So today when I needed to get dressed I took her up, made sure all the gates were closed, and flipped the lock on the outside of her dad's office door. Now he was inside and I did tell him I was doing it. We do that sometimes to keep her from having a rumage while hes working. Normally he does it from the inside.

Today he was bit sick and I thought I'd save him for a few minutes, lock the door...get dressed...unlock door and go back downstairs.

Did it happen that way? No it did not. I got busy playing with the said munchkin, loaded her up and took off down the stairs laughing and playing.

We had been off playing for a awhile when I walked through the dinning room and happened to notice parts of some red letters on my computer in a small window. I thought to myself "what in the world is that."

Walking over I see this in a talker window:

 .  _ _                  _            _            _
+> [] . (_| )_ __ ___   | | ___   ___| | _____  __| |
+> [] . | |/| '_ ` _ \  | |/ _ \ / __| |/ / _ \/ _` |
+> [] . | | | | | | | | | | (_) | (__|   <  __/ (_| |
+> [] . |_| |_| |_| |_| |_|\___/ \___|_|\_\___|\__,_|
+> [] .
+> [] .  _
+> [] . (_)_ __
+> [] . | | '_ +> [] . | | | | |
+> [] . |_|_| |_|

I also see my IM window flashing and it has a very polite "lemme out please =)."

What do I do, I nearly collapse in the floor laughing. I laugh all the way upstairs. And yes I even thought of making him sweat it out a few more minutes in pure evilness, but I did manange to control that part of my nature and decided to let him out. ;)

I unlock the door and hes standing there looking all stern and I nearly fell on the floor laughing again. I did manage to get I'm so sorry out between the laughing bursts and even gave him a kiss.

I'm just glad I had decided on not going for the walk that I had planned this morning. I can just imagine how upset he would have been locked in his office till lunch. ;)

My great evil sense of humour does want to test it one more time, but I think one accidental lock in might be let go, a second might be construed as an act of war.;)

My boxing bag.

This is one of my new hobbies. The hubby got me a freestanding boxing tube for my birthday in June. It's now seen quite a lot of use. I do boxing and kickboxing with it.

Everyone keeps asking me what it is. So here ya go here is me with my new toy.

Another few months and I wouldn't suggest making me to angry;)

Customer satisfaction not required!

I recently sent an email to a company asking them why my last two payments were not showing on my account.

This is the responce I got back:

"Dear Mrs ,

Thank you for your e-mail.

Unfortunately we can only accept MasterCards, Visa cards, Maestro cards, Cheques and Postal Orders as methods of payment to your account.

We apologise for any inconvenience this causes.


Regards,
Customer Services"

Ok well I can accept that, only for peats sake the payments were made on a Visa card.

So I replied with this:

"So how does this affect me since my payment was made with a visa card?"

Talk about someone trying to fob off their work and hope you just dont reply back to them and they won't actually have to look at your account and figure out the real problem.

They are damn lucky they didn't say that to someone in a really bad mood. It could result in them being dangled over the side of a bridge at the very least.

I am still awaiting their responce, if its a blow off I'm going to send them a review of their work. Being pre-inclined to think they suck I bet its not going to be a good review.